Go Ask
Remember when you would ask something of your dad when you were young? Sometimes the answer would be, “Go ask your mom.” You would saunter off to find mom and upon asking the same question, you would hear the response, “Go ask your dad.”
Confusion and frustration would set in as you thought, “Why can’t someone just answer my question?”
Most childhood questions batted between dad and mom were likely requesting permission to do something, go somewhere, or receive something. They were primarily innocent questions and your parents' indecisiveness probably didn't trigger much more than an annoyance. However, repetitive indecisiveness can breed deep-rooted confusion and it can create a climate where question-asking ceases.
We witness this in adulthood, too. The day manager works by one set of protocols while the night manager expects another. One doctor believes surgery is the only option while the second opinion holds out that there are other less invasive options. Your uncle swears by a particular investment plan while your brother believes it to be a scam and argues for a different program. We routinely find ourselves in the middle of choices where we feel ping-ponged between “dad” and “mom.” Options on both sides, opinions so far distanced from the other, and opportunities waiting to be answered or denied. There we stand, paralyzed in our own indecisiveness, wishing someone would just tell us what to do.
Decision-making can feel impossible. Yet research suggests that adults make 35,000 decisions each day. That breaks down to 24.3 decisions per minute! However, since we are good human beings and tend to get our necessary eight hours of sleep every night, we are closer to making 36.4 decisions every minute. One would assume at this rate, we would be decision-making champions!
While we make thousands of simple, daily choices that hardly phase us, we also make certain choices that shake us. Some decisions weigh heavy because we know particular choices carry consequences. And consequences can be scary. What-if scenarios plague our minds as we face multiple paths. With squinted eyes we perceive Mario-style blocks looming over the path and we believe as we pass, these blocks will produce more options, more decisions. Why does one decision always lead to so many more?
This natural human response to decision-making illustrates that things are not relative. Not every path leads us to where we want to go or where we should be. We cannot merely roll the dice and expect positive results. We cannot haphazardly choose and expect those who surround us to agree. The very fact that the option is unclear and the choice is hard, points to the fact that actions have consequences and are indeed rooted in some form of personal, cultural, or religious morality.
We question whether our family or friends will benefit from our choice and we are concerned for their safety and their approval. We question whether our culture will cancel us upon our decision and we hope we will remain in an appropriate standing that neither exposes us nor ignores us. We hope some heavenly being will bless us, show us favor, and protect us but we are unsure about believing whole-heartedly in anything we cannot fully explain.
We all know that we cannot truly make whatever decision we want.
Yet, we often hear that we can decide whatever we want.
Cultural proverbs that have become infamous recently include: do what makes your heart feel good, be true to yourself, and follow your own path. However, we all know that these quick quotes cannot stand up against the time-tested reality of life. We cannot do whatever makes our heart feel good because sometimes hatred and revenge feel good. We cannot be true to ourselves because doing so often isolates or ostracizes other people. Taking my own path will, at times, cause me to disappoint and destroy others. After all, our decisions can often be self-seeking. Choices can be made without much regard for others. We say what we shouldn’t, we act rudely, we rashly condemn, we waste resources, we timidly retreat, we vomit syllables into a virtual world, we expect from others what we ourselves do not do, we blame everyone else, we ostracize the whole group for the action of one, we incorrectly link one poor choice to a permanent lifestyle, and so much more.
So we circle back to the struggle of decision-making. We cannot merely make whatever choice we want because our decisions have ripple effects on ourselves and others. However, indecisiveness has its own layers of trouble. And, as adults, we do not have the childhood privilege of asking dad or mom. So what do we do when we face a hard choice and would rather lean towards retreat? We ask questions.
We need to re-establish a climate where question-asking is encouraged. Too often, we lead with rash opinions that spew provocative syllables, causing one to withdraw. Instead, what if we were willing to open ourselves to questioning, to critical thinking, and intellectual and emotional discourse? Instead of pushing people away to “go ask dad or mom,” what if we took their question and worked it out with them? What if we paused our tendency toward feeling offended and bent our preferences for a moment? Would the world broaden with varied perspectives, would intelligence expand on both an intellectual and emotional level, would the unseen be seen and the silenced be given a voice?
We all need a place to safely discourse. We may not agree on all the details, but through conversation, we may learn from each other. Through our questioning, we will likely gain new strategies to use along our path as we approach future choices. Very rarely can we both ask and answer our own question. It takes us back to childhood where our simple question to dad and mom was asked so we could be led to an answer. As adults, we do not need someone to make the choice for us, but we do need to know there are people in our corner who will hear us, see us, encourage us, challenge us, and question us. When we have that, we become better decision-makers because our biases have been laid bare, we have talked through multiple options, we have applied intellectual and emotional thought to the problem, and we walk forward in confidence that we are making a weighty decision after we have weighed the benefits and the consequences.
If you are facing an impossible decision (who isn’t?), I would like to encourage you to embrace James 1:5, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” This is not a cultural proverb that is rooted in selfish narcissism, but it is Gospel Truth that where you lack, there is a good God who fills in the gap. This is also not a scapegoat or option to surrender your decision-making responsibility. This is a promise that you do not have to saunter back and forth between “dad and mom” because you have an active Listener and Responder in Father God.
However, Scripture is repeatedly clear that we are to rely on others, too. We are to bear each other’s burdens (Gal. 6:2), we are to sharpen each other (Prov. 27:17), we are to encourage one another (1 Thess. 5:11), we are to guide and counsel others (Prov. 11:14), and we should look to the interest of others (Phil. 2:4). This two-punch combo of a good God and a reliable community is a recipe that helps us address our indecisiveness and leads us toward making conscious, careful, and creative choices that propel us forward.
Until next time friend,
