Silence was not my first choice
Maybe you noticed. Maybe you didn’t. But the month of March escaped without a single blog post. This was not the plan. In fact, in the month of January, I sat down and mapped out blog dates and topics up until the end of the month of May. I wanted to be prepared ahead of time so I could be more consistent and purposeful, especially in the midst of the family changes we have coming soon.
Yet, March went by without a single blog written and without a single social media post. And, possibly, without a single book sold. I am too fearful to look at that number. Six months in and I have still spent more on the book than I have made. By quite large margins.
As a reader, you may not be bothered by my inconsistency, but as the writer, the one who is supposed to be building a “brand” and marketing a book, I have a hard time watching failed attempts stack and teeter. I know I am not hustling or pounding the pavement as many entrepreneurs and business-minded individuals would. The truth is though - that is not me. I knew that about myself before I began this process two years ago. I am also not a social media guru and can’t keep up with all the ways that it changes and how it too often appears self-serving, shallow, and repetitive. I make attempts though because every publisher, writer, and content creator will tell you, train you, and teach you the most significant impact is made when followers are gained, posts are clicked, and engagements occur.
Yet, even with this knowledge and some professional training, March went by without a single blog written and without a single social media post.
There are several valid reasons this occurred: I am in my third trimester and exhausted, March had more calendar events than the previous two months combined, I was recording the audiobook for God’s Big Ask, and the business hustle doesn’t come naturally to me.
But, the real reason is much deeper and much more complicated. As life usually is.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t write about the topics I had set aside for the month of March. I assumed I would be able to because I thought I had done enough heart work and spent enough time in prayer. I believed I was at a place where wounds had been healed; I believed I was ready to help encourage others toward hope and finding their own place of healing.
They also tell you to write about what you know. As an English teacher, I have repeated this to many classes, “Write about what you personally know, what you have felt, what you have experienced.” They also tell you that sometimes writing through the pain is best because the rawness is attractive and appealing; after all, we’ve all been in places of deep sorrow so we tend to be drawn in by the transparent storyline that life is hard and despair is found in every corner.
If I over-learned anything in the month of March, it is this: your painful story may also be harrowingly painful to others.
So, what do I do with that knowledge? As a writer and compassionate human being, do I have a responsibility to handle this differently? Are there testimonies that should be withheld? Do I need to walk with more caution in regard to what other’s around me may (or may not) be experiencing? Quite possibly, there are topics that should occur verbally and not through written content or social media. Some concepts are definitely better accepted across a cup of coffee than they are through sound bytes and algorithms appearing on handheld screens.
I may be stuck on the tightrope of mixed cultural messages. Society sends out messages like, “Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn’t the world’s obligation to tiptoe around you” (The Mastery of Self). But the same society doesn’t permit us to have opinions about certain topics because we should be inclusively sensitive as our words may trigger someone’s past and spiral them into a perpetual whirlpool of offense and shame.
Most likely I am wrestling with this because I myself was recently triggered regarding one specific topic. For six days in a row, wherever I went, there was someone’s story dangling in front of my fractured self. It was on Facebook, it was at my kids’ school, it was in a documentary we watched, it was at church, it was in my devotional, and it was at a kid’s party. It was shared by friends and strangers alike and it was so devastatingly on repeat that I was paralyzed, in complete disbelief.
So, I made the decision to step back from the blog posts. I pulled back on my social media interaction. Instead, I sat in the rubble. I even put my devotional book down (gasp!). I couldn’t read it. Instead, I sat with the Holy Spirit. Didn’t even really talk. Just allowed myself to be painfully present in His presence.
Maybe you have previously read one of my blogs or a chapter in my book and you have been triggered. My experiences have sparked angst or sorrow in your world because you were reminded of your past trauma. I naturally want to say “sorry” but I am not sure that is the correct response. What I will say is this: it is okay if you have to stop reading for a hot minute. Take as many deep breaths as you need and gently walk on your crumbling sidewalks toward God the Father. His presence will permit you the space to feel all that you feel and be exactly who are you in that moment. He will compassionately hold you through your angst and sorrow.
I have some things to process and consider. My intent has never been to write something that makes others feel deep sorrow. My intent has always been to be a source of encouragement while being brutally honest about the challenges of this life, this side of Heaven. But I have realized that maybe posts and pictures need to come with a warning…Caution: this post may cause you triggers and despair if you have personally experienced ____________ (fill in the blank). Continue reading or looking with caution.
Yet, sometimes, our triggers need to be triggered. We need to recognize that we are still holding to the past, we are still in a healing process, and we are still working through the difficulties of this life…all of this is necessary because it points us to our constant, forever need of Christ Jesus. Our need for His peace in the storm, His comfort in the sorrow, His hope in our despair, His compassion through our misery, His healing in our pain, and His redemption in our story.
I couldn’t write in March. I also couldn’t read in March. I couldn’t scroll through social media in March. Instead, what I did was curl up on a friend’s couch and open up. I sat up late with my husband and shared my heartache. I had to proclaim that other people’s experiences are not my own. I chose to just sit in the Lord’s presence and allow His voice to be the loudest.
I believe this is the call for us all. When we are triggered by something, for whatever reason, our response should be transparency with our Redeemer. Then, make edits in your life that permit you the space and time you need for healing.
Where do I go from here regarding my content? Well, I continue to lean into the Holy Spirit and allow Him to direct what I share, when I share, and how I share. Quite possibly, I begin to implement warnings at the start of harrowing blog posts. It is possible that some topics are shared with less detail. It is definitely something I am still working out, but I recognized that taking a step back was good for my health. I don’t have to do it all, grind the content, and over-publicize. I may not sell books if I don’t, but that should never be my motivating factor anyway. I suppose the overarching lesson I learned in March was: silence was not my first choice, but it ended up being my best choice.
Until next time friend,
I invite you to grab a cup of coffee, tea, or chai and sit with me. If you haven’t yet purchased God’s Big Ask, you can do so here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BGKHY7KM
