The List Lengthens…

Shell-shock. I reached for the pen as I opened the page and added another numerical number. Next to number twenty-four, I added more text.  This list, now at number twenty-four, had been added to on an hourly basis and the more words that were written, the more I felt defeated. With every new addition, every new number, I felt burdened. Eventually, I arrived at a point where I felt like I would break under one more bullet point. 

This wasn’t a To-Do list. 

It was a list of names. 

And the title at the top read: People to Pray For.

    It was overwhelming. It was one of those weeks in ministry that tests you. Every text, every call, every glance at social media gave me one or two more names to add to the prayer list. Number twenty-five, twenty-six…

I found myself in a place where I have been before and maybe you can relate. 

Where is this place? 

The location of: “Really God?”

    Don’t get me wrong; I love praying for people. I actually still hand-write lists of prayer requests in my journal. I value written prayers because it enables me to come back and revisit. It provides me the opportunity to be witness to miracles years later as I reread the need from the past and compare it against the now known outcome.

    But there have been times, previously and currently, where I have looked at the list in front of me and couldn’t help but utter, “Really God?” How much more can go wrong? How many more good people do I have to add to this list? When are You going to step in and do something?

    Yep, add me to your prayer list. 

Deep down, I realize God is not at fault and I also 100% know that prayer works. I have seen firsthand the power of a faithful God and the power of faithful people on their knees. There are just moments in life where I am overwhelmed by the circumstances and my faith gets clouded by the fast moving current. I can too easily allow my eyes to shift from the Healer to the heartbreak. 

This is a tension we as Christ-followers sit in. The tension between our sinful nature and our desire to do good, be good. The tension between our dedicated belief and our honest disbelief. We sit in the “and” of our brokenness and our restoration. And that tension can affect our prayers and our feelings towards the One who hears those prayers. 

It is critical to recognize that this is a one-sided form of tension. God is not tense, He is not wondering how this will play out, and He is not surprised by the list. We, in our humanity, feel things unfelt by the Creator, yet not unknown to Him. He knows we wrestle with disbelief, that we entertain the desire to control outcomes, and that we doubt the master plan. The difference is that He knows the master plan and is executing it at all times, no matter how large our prayer list becomes. 

So, in transparency, I sit here with my fingers tracing written names. Tears swell, my heart rate increases, and my breathing becomes more labored. I feel the doubts and wrestle with “Really God?” all while recognizing that my Creator knows and loves the people on my list, more than I ever truly could. Therefore, I must refuse to let the tension lean me towards disbelief; I must refuse to let the unknowns have more say than the Known Provider. I trace names with shaky fingers and verbalize:

“I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His Word I put my hope” (Psalms 103:5).

I repeat it and use the pronoun YOU as I pray the Word: I wait for YOU Lord, my whole being waits, and in YOUR Word I put my hope. 

As I breathe deep and repeat, I receive hope and begin scribbling notes next to this tear-soaked prayer list. Small gifts delivered to remind me that when I arrive at the place of “Really God?” that He is, indeed, really God. 

We all have lists, even if they are not physically written down. You may have a list of prayers, a list of dreams, a list of needs, a list of bills, a list of enemies, a list of fears… Whatever your list, here are the three Heaven delivered scribbles I received as I waited in prayer. May it be encouragement to you as you sit in the tension of your list. 

1. Look up from the list and look up to the Lord. 

There is nothing wrong with keeping a list, but the list cannot be where our eyes settle. If we only look down, we can be blinded by heartbreak and overwhelmed by bullet points. If we look up, we focus on the Healer and often become witness to a list of miracles. My prayer list is nothing more than futile ink on pointless paper if it isn’t released to the Lord, the listener and responder to the needs. Don’t allow yourself to focus too tightly on who is listed or why they are listed; rather, hold that list heavenward and with your whole being, wait on the Lord.

2. As your list increases, your faith should increase.

I was initially burdened by every new addition to my numbered list but then I realized that my perspective needed to shift. With each new name there was another opportunity for God to show up and show off. Each name meant that there was a miracle in motion, a redemption story taking place. Hope erupted in me! Instead of spending our time asking God why, we can spend the time asking God to increase our faith by healing, restoring, forgiving, and being present in the needs we have released by looking up.  The tension between disbelief and belief is lessened as we faithfully commit to the holy practice of tracing names in prayer. 

3. Position yourself to be overwhelmed by the restoration.

 I have a long list in front of me that, admittedly, overwhelmed me. It was a lot. But God reminded me that with faith, I can pivot and allow myself to be overwhelmed by His response instead. I had mentioned that I like to write down my prayers because it provides me the opportunity to revisit and see how God answered. Miracles can be overwhelming in a beautifully positive way. I want to position myself, in prayer, to be more impacted by His breakthrough than I am by the brokenness.   

The Lord Almighty has sworn, “Surely, as I have planned, so it will be, and as I have purposed, so it will happen.” For the Lord Almighty has purposed, and who can thwart him? His hand is stretched out, and who can turn it back? (Isaiah 14: 24 & 27)

    I know that the Lord has His hand outstretched on my prayer list; He intimately knows the desperation that the hand-written names are experiencing. He hears my prayers, their prayers, your prayers and He has purposed a plan for miraculous restoration. There is a day coming where I will be overwhelmed by that restoration and I will be ready to trace with my finger the answered prayers and the breakthroughs. 

    May you look up, may your faith increase, and may you be ready to be overwhelmed by the answers coming your way. He is, indeed, really God. 

    Until next time my friend.