Little Pumpkin
It is fall.
Or, at least that is what the calendar says.
Here, in California, we can only dream of real fall. We decorate with fake leaves instead of raking up real ones. We buy sweaters only to layer them over t-shirts so we can take them off by mid-afternoon. We visit pumpkin patches in our flip-flops and drink pumpkin cold brew because the hot lattes are just too much.
I am not complaining! I love my California sunshine and I am sure I wouldn’t survive a real fall elsewhere. I happily practice all the fall celebrations even if they are blended with the left-over effects of summer. So, recently, I hauled my family to our local pumpkin patch. My kids wore shorts and sandals, we drank cold apple cider, and actually had to apply sunscreen! We dodged the hundreds (not exaggerating) of other California sunshine-loving fall fanatics and managed to get the annual pumpkin patch family photo. We did not wear matching outfits, we were squinting in the sun, and we were trying to be quick as the line for a photo-op was spilling into our awareness. But, even with these seemingly negative aspects, this picture may be one of my favorite annual pumpkin patch photos ever. Maybe you can see why?
This fall, the word pumpkin holds a different meaning for us. A better meaning. A miracle meaning! And we are thrilled!
If you have completed my book, God’s Big Ask, you know the lament that I share regarding our journey with infertility and very hard pregnancies. Toward the end of the book, I describe that God had shifted our desires and pulled us toward the possibility of welcoming another pregnancy. Yet, in the accepting of this big ask, I found myself facing too common of an ask: months of emptiness and sorrow as we went another year without a successful pregnancy, all while finishing up a book about saying yes to God, even when it feels impossible. Here are my words from the end of Chapter 16.
“Lastly, life is not scripted by us. It is released by us. I cannot do hard things and neither can you. What we can do is be in the here and now and trust despite what we see or perceive. God can do hard things and frequently, He chooses to do the hard things differently than we would. Case in point, I do not have a third miracle baby. Despite our efforts and our openness with a few close people, we have not received a third child. After our season with our bonus daughter, we felt that God was leading us toward the possibility of a third child. At first, there was disbelief and shock, but then there was peace and excitement. I do not fully know why God would place a desire in us and then not bring it to fruition, but I do know there is a miracle being woven. It will likely look very different than I hoped, but I have found He is worth trusting, even in the uncertainty. I am certain of this: In the weary wilderness, there is God. I release my list of expectations and show up in expectancy of His goodness. Sure, it is still painful and I continue to have transparent conversations with God about my perceived unfairness. But I know He sees the eternal picture and He will break down walls and call down fire to make His plan happen. In all our even if moments, there is a good God with good purposes. Ultimately, that is enough.” (Chapter 16)
No third child. Not for a long time. Not before the book was published. Not in my timing, at all. Yet, this is His plan, His timing, and His purpose. He knows why now and not why then.
A little pumpkin, a baby woven in the middle of another weary wilderness, a gift in the midst of grief. You see, there is much more to the story that may be unpacked in detail at a later date, but for now, I am resting in deep hope and joy. A barren situation found life this fall and will come to fruition in the newness of spring.
This fall season, I may not get my decorations up because I am exhausted. I cannot drink or eat all the pumpkin things because there are too many times when I cannot keep any food down. This time will hold different memories for us, not all of them great, but all of them will be illuminated by the miracle at work, the gift after the silence, the hope in the middle of grief, and the joy of knowing that spring is coming! Thanks be to God!
Until next time my friend,
I invite you to grab a cup of coffee, tea, or chai and sit with me. If you haven’t yet purchased God’s Big Ask, you can do so here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BGKHY7KM
